He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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