My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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