my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
