Swine flu. Run for my life!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
