She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
