Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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