There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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