saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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