my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I still have a little drunk in my system
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
