I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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