...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
