Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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