I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
True strength comes from lack of pants
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