first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
