No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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