how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
