did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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