Will you blow on my dice?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
