Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
