Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
