i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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