it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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