I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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