i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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