I didn't shave. On purpose
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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