I want to have your abortion
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
