I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
