Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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