DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
