I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
