ya dads aren't the best wingmen
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
