shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
