dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
