I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
