Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
