im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
