The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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