shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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