I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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