I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Randomize
