he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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