oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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