I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
