I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
