i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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