dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
