My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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