I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
