It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
