we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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