If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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